3 years. 3 years without your hugs. 3 years without your smile. 3 years without your jokes. 3 years without your voice.

3 years without you.

I wrote this one month after I had to say goodbye to my dad:

It’s been a month since you left this place. The wound still open, my heart still broken, the pain so unbearably real. Some have said each day will get easier, I’m not certain that’s the truth. Others have said time heals all wounds, but time won’t bring you back. At times it feels like just yesterday that I awoke to that phone call, other times it feels like a year. The days blur together and I can’t keep track, all I know everyday is that the truth remains…you’re gone. To say that I miss you doesn’t even begin to convey the void I feel in my heart. A piece of it gone, a part of myself has gone missing, the hardest part has been letting go. Though grief and sadness overwhelm me, this is not the entire story; you see in the face of this loss I see now so clearly the truth about love that you always told me. Love is the answer, the key to it all. Dad, you’d be so blown away by the avalanche of love poured out for you. It’s captivating and overwhelming; it’s helping to carry us through. It was your life’s message, the song of your heart, no one played it like you, it was your special tune. It’s permanently written on the hearts of the lives you touched. For me it’s engraved in my heart, mind, and spirit, intertwined in my DNA. For me there’s no escaping the impression you have made. I’m honored that you called me yours and privileged to call you mine. To some you we’re pastor, teacher, or friend. To me you were all that and more, also known as dad. Even in your absence you continue to teach me, your love still helping to shape me. I didn’t know pain until you left me, but I am learning about God’s comfort, mercy, and compassion for the very same reason. You left me a toolbox, very well equipped, not knowing what my questions would be, you left me all the answers. You showed me the path to the heart of Creator, from which all blessings flow. He’s guiding and providing, he’s with me in the moments nobody knows. There are moments that I fear the life ahead of me, having to face it without you here, but I’ll remain your fearless adventurer even when the road is not clear. I feel your love inside and around me, I feel your smile and it warms my heart. Your light and love are still with me, I will carry them with me always. I’m both moved and at times immobilized by your love that’s still so living. I want to love like you loved; I’ll do my best and try. I miss your hugs, I miss your jokes, I miss your silent laugh, I miss it all. I’ll never feel like I had enough of you but I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and humility that God let me have you. I love you, I hate living without you. One month down, a lifetime to go…

It’s 3 years later now and it feels like I’ve lived so many lifetimes in that time. Yet, there are still so many times I am completely stunned by the fact that my dad is gone; as though no time has passed. It can still knock the wind out of me like when I first heard the words “He’s gone.” The reality is that a lot has changed these last 3 years. I’ve changed a lot these last 3 years. You know what hasn’t changed though? Love. It’s still the answer. It may sound completely romanticized and simplistic, but it’s what I know to be true. I sat in a dark room, moments after learning that my dad was gone and I saw my whole world shatter into a billion pieces around me. It’s not complete, and it might not ever be this side of eternity, but you know what has put some of those pieces back together? Love. Love has come in the most unexpected ways and places. My dad’s love is still so much alive within me and it gives me the strength to continue. I have been blessed so far beyond measure with people in my life that have dared to love me in the midst of the messy…and there have been some really messy times.

I still miss my dad so much that there are times I literally feel an ache in the pit of my stomach. I miss him everyday. I think about him everyday. I can’t say that it gets easier, but I guess it does get better. I feel like my world is in less than a billion pieces now and that feels, well, it feels like hope. The missing him isn’t any different today than it was yesterday, but today when I remember the day he had to leave this place, I feel more love than sadness. I feel more love than grief. I feel more love than anything. I may still feel a lot of sadness sometimes, but even then, I still feel even more love.

I feel so very blessed to have been and still be loved so fiercely by my dad. His love is what makes his absence bearable. Unconditional love is real and it’s exactly that…not even death or a grave is a condition. Love is the only thing we get to both leave here and take with us when we die. It’s the only thing that’s gonna matter and the truth is…it’s the only thing that matters now. I may feel some sadness today, but more than anything I feel loved. And rather than solely mourn his death, I celebrate a life well-lived and the man who knew how to love better than any other human I’ve met.

Friends, may we all love more and hug our people just a little bit longer today and everyday. 

God, I have had both the struggle and privilege the last three years to truly come to know you as God The Father…God My Father. Thank you for the light you gave my life in the life of my dad Mark Edward Lopez. Thank you for his beautiful soul. Thank you for choosing me to be his. I still don’t know why you took him when you did, but still, not my will, but yours be done. Thank you for sharing him with me for 25 years. Please continue to heal my heart. Help me to love well and love the broken during my time here, just like my dad did. Thank you for carrying me through these difficult seasons and surrounding me with your love, grace, and mercy. And I don’t know if you do this sort of thing, but if you could give him a hug for me, that’d be really awesome. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.