by lesliedanielle87

With A Full Heart…

It is hard to put into words all that I feel in my heart tonight, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try so here it goes…

In the early hours of this morning as we were at home preparing to make the trip here to the hospital for mom’s surgery, the fear and anxiety were tangible. And while it may seem contradictory, peace and faith were just as present. I saw it in my mom’s eyes, her eyes spoke what we all felt on different levels; “Is this really gonna be okay?”

Mom, Daniel, and I early this morning before heading to this hospital

Mom, Daniel, and I early this morning before heading to this hospital

 We got to the hospital, got her all checked in and then we waited. When they called her back to pre-op, I was relieved to find out that I could go and be with her until they wheeled her off to the Operating Room. The fear and nervousness were still evident, but they were now accompanied by a really strange exhilaration and excitement. The last 6 months had been leading up to this moment. There was both peace and anxiety as we said our “see you soons” and off she went.

 When we had first gone to pre-op, none of the family had arrived yet, but by the time I came out after they took mom to the OR I walked out into the arms of some of the greatest people in my world. And then we sat and we waited…

Entrance to the UCI Surgical Procedure Waiting Area where we spent most of the day.

Entrance to the UCI Surgical Procedure Waiting Area where we spent most of the day.

I was much more at ease than I thought I would be overall, but there were those moments when fear and doubt would try to creep in. And with the love of those around me, and all the people that have walked with us in prayer, I was quickly reminded of all that God has already brought us through and peace would return.

 When we first checked in, they gave me this pager so that they could get a hold of me if they needed to, and to keep me updated throughout the day. To say I was attached to it would be an understatement. I was downstairs just about to head back up to the waiting area when my pager went off; panic and fear kicked in as I ran up the stairs and saw our doctor standing in the waiting area. I made my way to him as quickly as I could and then we went into the consult room. Now, this is the attending doctor on my mom’s oncology team and he is one of the best in his field, but he is on the serious side and so I had to really listen to his words carefully. I tried to catch my breath from running up the stairs and back to the waiting area as he began. His expression was not indicative of whether or not this was good news so I did my best to really focus in on what he was saying. And it slowly began to register. “We successfully removed the tumors and completed everything else we intended to do, there were no surprises, she didn’t lose much blood and when I left they were just finishing up the closing process. In no way can this surgery be curative, but with some more chemotherapy, if she continues to respond as well as she already has, it’s possible she will be feeling good for a long time. The surgery went as well as we could have hoped.”

 Shaking and overwhelmed and trying to process everything I had just been told, I got to go back out into the waiting room and tell everyone else the good news. My heart was relieved, overjoyed and anxious as I had to wait in anticipation for the moment they would let us see her in recovery. About an hour or so later, Daniel and I were able to go back and see her. I don’t think there are words to describe what I felt seeing her. Her eyes and smile lit up when she saw us and it’s safe to say she saw the same thing in ours. Since she hadn’t been awake for very long, she hadn’t heard the news yet. We explained to her that surgery was successful and that they got everything, in disbelief she said “Really?” We said “Yes, mom, you did it.” And immediately she said “Thank you Jesus.” That’s my mom.

 Now I’m sitting here as we prepare to settle in for the night and I can’t stop looking at her. I cannot possibly express how grateful I am tonight to be able to look over and see her, though in pain, still focused on the fight. Still here with us…because He is with us. A little bit ago mom and I were talking about how on this side of surgery we wonder what we were so afraid of, but the reality is that it was really big, scary and a huge risk. It was a big deal. And I told her how I wonder if it had to be big because only in a moment like that would choosing to trust Him be a true test of faith. Though, often times, still with doubt and worry, because of her strength and example we made the decision to trust and surrender to Him and His will. Tonight I sit here in awe of the remarkable woman I get to call mom and I cannot thank Him enough for His goodness and His grace.

 Friends and Family, I have been so blown away by your love and support; you all have been so amazing. We are humbled and indescribably grateful for all that have stood with us in prayer as we have walked this road. I pray that His light and love surround you tonight, and always. Please know that I pray for you and thank God for you.

 With unending love and gratitude,

Leslie Danielle

by lesliedanielle87

August 23rd

This Friday August 23, 2013 my mom will be going in to have her surgery. Since my mom’s diagnosis in April, having surgery to remove the cancer has always been the primary goal. And here we are, almost 6 months later, finally preparing for it. The waiting period to get to this point has often times felt like it was moving at a snail’s pace and now that we’re here it all feels lightning fast and like we’re struggling to keep up.

While this is only one step, it is no doubt a big one. This kind of cancer is notorious for being difficult to get into remission, but our team of doctors feel strongly that my mom is in the prime window of opportunity right now to remove it successfully. The surgery is extensive and the recovery will not be easy, but my mom is focused and has her fight face on.

As we have stumbled, trying to navigate this road that has been set before us, we have been so richly blessed with an incredible support system. God has been so faithful throughout this time and we trust that He will continue to be with us. It is only by His grace that we are still here. We have all had many moments where our strength, courage, and faith have been shaken and from those moments we truly know that His grace is sufficient. His mercy and love have carried us and it is on Him that we rely fully, now more than ever.

As we prepare for my mom’s surgery on Friday, I would like to ask you for your prayers once again. The energy in our family this week seems to be changing constantly…We are hopeful. We are anxious. We are positive. We are trusting. We are fearful. We are at peace. Alternate and repeat.

Would you please pray for us?

Would you pray that peace would fill our hearts as we prepare for Friday?

Would you pray that my mom’s nerves and anxiety would be calm and that she would rest?

Would you pray that all would go smoothly and that there would be no complications?

Would you pray for a good and speedy recovery?

Would you pray for all of the doctors that are on her case, that they would have all the strength and wisdom they need to care for her?

And would you pray that as we wait for her surgery to be completed, that God would guard our hearts and minds from all the fears that try to creep in?

So many of you have walked with us in prayer and I can tell you with complete certainty that your prayers have carried us through so many moments when strength was quickly fading. Saying “thank you” seems trite, but it’s all I know to say. On behalf of my mom and my entire family, thank you for your love, support, encouragement, and especially your prayers.

by lesliedanielle87

Rough Night and A Prayer Request

When I first decided to really begin sharing our story, I made a commitment, if only to myself, to share it truly and openly, even on the more difficult days.

Truth be told, I don’t “want” to be on the computer writing right now. I would rather be trying to run and hide from it all in one of my favorite hideaways…sleep. But I’m here because tonight friends, I need to be “with” my community and I need to ask for your prayers that have become so indescribably dear to me.

[I feel that it should be known that as I write this, I can look over to my right and laying there is the most precious, sleeping boy. My nephew has spent the last two nights here and having him has been such a joy for everyone in the house. He is love, joy and a reminder of all that is good and right in this world; a reminder we have needed today.]

As I replay today in my mind, it would probably go down in the books as a good day. Any day that is overall uneventful is a good day these days, but the night has been a different story; it’s been a rough night.

I am so grateful for the close relationship mom and I have always had. Sharing and being honest is not something that is new for us and that fact has served us well as we have walked through this time. Good, bad, over-exaggerated, or gut-wrenching and raw, we share all of it and we had one of those times tonight. I don’t feel like I need to get into an overwhelming amount of detail. Tonight is a night to get right to the point.

To any of you who have been personally impacted by cancer, odds are, you’ve had many nights like we’ve have had tonight. When referencing cancer, it is often said that one is fighting or battling cancer. It not simply a back alley brawl, not that kind of fight, it is much more primal and war-like. It’s described as such because it is brutal. When we hear these references it makes sense, but for someone going through it, the implications are even heavier. The thing about a battle or war is that a majority of the time, there is someone on a winning side and someone on a losing side. We have not walked through this time oblivious to this reality, but have chosen to place our faith in the One who is carrying us regardless of the circumstances. I know this to be true with all my heart, but can I be honest with you? Tonight, the weight of the reality that a battle is won or lost is soul-crushing and so very, very heavy.

I still know and choose to place my trust in the One who holds my life, my heart, my hand, but tonight my heart is heavy, tired, and scared.

Friends, tonight, if you pray, would you pray for us?

Would you pray that the peace that surpasses our very limited understanding would surround us tonight?

Would you pray that as we sleep our hearts, spirits, and minds would be renewed?

Would you pray that mom’s faith and hope are strengthened?

Would you pray for infinite grace and strength for us to continue walking this path?

Please know that as I write this, I am praying for you also.

With a heavy, but infinitely grateful heart,

Leslie