For as far back as I can remember, writing has always been my outlet and escape. It wasn’t until I was older that I really found the power in it, but looking back, I always had a strong connection to it. Often times I can really get to the bottom of how I’m feeling through writing. Naturally, because of this, I tend to avoid it sometimes. There are different reasons why I avoid it, but it usually comes down to a four letter word I know all to well…

No, not that one. Haha. The other four letter word.

Fear.

Whether I’m afraid of what you’ll think, afraid of what I’ll think, afraid to have the blank page staring back at me, or simply afraid to find out what I really feel about something, fear is always trying to find a way to stop me. The harsh truth about fear is that I hand my power over to it every, single time. Over the course of the last few years my relationship with fear has changed.

I used to be afraid of all the big, bad things that could happen to me…until those things did happen to me.

After losing my dad and walking alongside my mom through her first cancer battle, I have to be honest with you, I felt invincible. I felt as though I had survived some of the worst things I would probably ever have to face, so by comparison, how scary could anything else possibly be? It’s a broken pattern of thought, I know that now.

I’m sitting here having walked through some of the darkest, loneliest, scariest times of my life, but you know what I’m scared of now?

Moving on. Starting over.

I find so much grace and redemption in the fact that I’m even in a place where I can begin to rebuild my life, but it’s also terrifying.

During the time my mom was hospitalized for her cancer treatment, one of her doctors repeatedly used the term “cautiously optimistic”.  At the time, I wasn’t even really sure what it meant. It seemed contradictory. How could one be cautious and optimistic at the same time? Throughout our journey I have not only come to understand, but deeply appreciate the term. Like so many things in life, it’s about balance. You don’t want to be so cautious that it prevents you from experiencing life, but being so optimistic that you’re oblivious to reality doesn’t seem to be the best thing either.

When it comes to moving forward in my life and essentially having to start from the ground up to rebuild it, I’ve been more cautious than optimistic. And you know what? It isn’t really working out. It turns out I need more optimism. And what I need more than anything is to take my power back from fear.

After all that has happened I’m afraid to rebuild and plan for the future. I had built a pretty great life and in a moment it all came crashing down and has mostly been in pieces on the ground ever since as the hits just kept on coming. Most days I’m afraid to even go near those pieces, let alone begin to pick them up and rebuild. I know that my life will never go back to being what it was, there are some huge pieces missing that can’t be replaced. Sometimes, it’s scary just facing that reality. At times it feels like every step I take and every day that passes takes me further away from my dad but, I feel his love so alive in my heart. And it’s not long before I hear dad’s voice in my head saying “My Lala, my fearless adventurer.” And in a bittersweet moment I am reminded that the things that make me who I am are bigger than my fear. I’m reminded of all that I’ve survived and while I hope that I don’t have to face some of those big things again, I know in my core that even if I had to, I can make it through because grace and strength have met me at every turn.

I start a new job tomorrow and it will be the first long-term, full-time job I’ve been at since before my dad passed away. It’s scary. It’s my first big step toward starting over and rebuilding. It’s also really exciting.

Moving forward to the next chapter, I am “cautiously optimistic” 🙂