Tag / Story

by lesliedanielle87

Window Seat

Today I am with mom at UCI for her 5th cycle of chemotherapy. Chemo days always make for early mornings. Once she was all checked in and one of the nurses guided us to where she would be spending the next few hours, it just so happened we were sitting by a window. Most of the seats here in the infusion center are near windows, but most of them face the sides of other buildings. Today, our window directly faces the hospital.

Throughout our lives we grow, evolve, and progress, but not often do we get a clear picture of just how far we have come. This morning as I look across the courtyard to the hospital, the picture is so clear. Mom and I spent days, weeks, and months in that hospital. It’s where she nearly lost her battle with cancer. It’s where she lost her ability to walk. It’s where she learned to walk again. It’s where doctors turned into family. Its where all limits were tested. It’s where we learned just how strong we could be.

We come to UCI at least once a week, I see it often, but today when I looked out the window, I was overwhelmed…I really saw it today.

I saw how far we have come. It’s not a long distance between where we are and where the hospital is…but looking at it today, it’s the longest distance. It’s a space filled with painful memories, fear filled days and nights, doubt, and tears. But that’s not all that fills that space…mixed in to all the difficulties are all the “small wins” along the way. Each step taken, each day we made it through, the relationships that were formed, and all the beautiful souls that have joined our team and mom’s fight.

My heart is full. My heart is grateful. My heart is humbled.

We have been met by grace at every twist and turn along this path.
We’ve come a long way.

I see all that is behind us and I anxiously look forward to all that is ahead.
A future we almost didn’t have.
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by lesliedanielle87

If I Ever Needed Grace

This morning on my way to work I heard a Jimmy Needham song called “If I Ever Needed Grace” that talks about the various moments in his life that he was aware of just how much he needed God’s grace. The chorus says: “If I ever needed grace it’s now, you are strong when I am weak somehow. And I am weak enough to see that I need you to cover me. If I ever needed grace it’s now.” And the bridge states: “In every joy and pain, whatever comes my way, God I need your grace.”

On this night, just one year ago, was one of the biggest moments where I found myself in desperate need of grace…

It was March 1st, 2013 and it was a Friday just like any other; I woke up, went to work and came home between 9:30-10 that night. My usual routine once I got home was to catch up with the family and then go to bed, but this wasn’t any other night. I remember walking into the bedroom and seeing mom sitting on the edge of the bed. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. After a brief discussion we had determined that mom needed to be taken to the Emergency Room. If I ever needed grace, it’s now.

Fear doesn’t seem strong enough to describe what I felt as we got in the car and drove to the hospital. Just 9 months earlier, my dad was rushed to the Emergency Room…he never returned home. Terror might be more accurate. I remember thinking/praying/pleading, “God, please, not another one.”  If I ever needed grace, it’s now

Somewhere between 10:00-11 we had arrived and signed into the ER at AnaheimRegionalMedicalCenter. We waited a while before they took us back. They started their work up; vitals, blood work, a thousand questions, and a CT scan. Then, we waited some more. A couple hours later the ER doctor came to speak with us. She started discussing some of the test results, and then she made the statement that I can still hear so clearly: “The scan also shows a large mass on your ovary that could be indicative of Ovarian Cancer.” I know that she said other stuff but my memory of everything gets a little foggy after that. Somewhere in the early hours of the morning mom was admitted so that further tests could be done. If I ever needed grace, it’s now

A year ago, cancer was a word that I didn’t even want to think, let alone say, because it scared me so much. Over the course of the last year, for several months, it became a part of my daily vocabulary. It is my intention and heart’s desire to write our whole story of all that happened since March 1st of last year and begin sharing it, but for tonight, what I really want to share with you is this:

A year ago, my life was intact. In one night, with one word, all of that changed. This last year had so many days and nights that were complete hell and I didn’t think I’d ever see the light of day again. It also had so many days that brought successes and miracles I’d never thought I’d see with my own eyes. I don’t ever want to live in fear of all that could happen. And I have to be honest with you, after losing my dad and my mom getting sick, sometimes I’m tempted to live in that fear, but what I know now that I didn’t know a year ago is that whatever may come God’s grace really is sufficient. Those used to be just words to me; something nice people say when you’re going through a difficult time. It’s a nice idea, but now I have experienced its truth. It’s not that I don’t have fear, because I do, but I do have the understanding of how little there really is to fear when you have the unconditional love and unending grace of the Creator of the universe. None of us know what tomorrow will bring or when that night that changes everything will come. I want to encourage you, don’t live in fear of those moments, instead be present in the one you have right now, whatever it is. Be present with the ones you love, tell them that you love them, don’t be too busy to stop and hug them. Don’t let busyness be the reason you miss all the little moments.

I really wish I had the words to describe the gratitude I feel tonight. It’s hard to look back at some of the things that have happened because those wounds are still fresh and tender, but if I’m completely honest with myself, and with you, the truth is this: A year ago, I really feared, and often believed that my mom wouldn’t be here right now. And while I would much rather be sitting with her talking or watching a movie, I did just get off the phone with her a little bit ago. While I can’t describe so many things that I feel right now, I can choose one word to describe the last year… miracle.

It’s a miracle my mom is alive.

It’s a miracle that Stage IV Cancer didn’t kill her.

It’s a miracle that we all still have [most] of our sanity..

It’s a miracle that rather than bitterness over the bad things that have happened…

We choose joy.

We choose gratitude.

We choose life.

We choose to embrace our miracle.

It’s been quite a year. A year that we would not have survived had it not been for the generous, infinite supply of God’s grace in our lives. Mom ended up with some of the best doctors in their field, despite not working, there was never a physical or financial need that was not met, regardless of how lonely it felt that was not a single moment we were without the constant love, prayers, and support of countless friends and family. Every moment we needed grace, it was there. Most of the last year was spent in hospitals. It had a lot of sleepless nights. In one year my mom was diagnosed, hospitalized, lost her ability to walk, regained her ability to walk, underwent chemotherapy and major surgery, and is now cancer free! And so much more…

Quite a year indeed.

We’ve come a long way 😉

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by lesliedanielle87

Going Home

It has been 130 days since I first brought mom to the Emergency Room here at UCI. 62 of those days have been spent living here in the hospital. It is really bizarre to look back at all that has happened, a lifetime’s worth of ups and downs in only 130 days.

As I reflect back on those early days of the first hospitalization here I remember how scared I was. This place felt so huge and I was overwhelmingly aware of how inept I felt to walk the path that had been set before me. This hospital (and all that being here represented) was daunting and I felt so very small. I remember feeling like this place was a big, scary monster that was just gonna eat me up. Little did I know that these walls would be home and that some of the most defining moments of my life would take place here…

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Some of the scariest conversations and realizations I’ve ever experienced happened in these hospital rooms.

Some of the most difficult phone calls I have ever had to make happened in these waiting areas.

I would pace these hallways, desperately trying to make sense of it all.

I watched my mom go from being sick to being in critical condition more than once.

I’ve lived in 11 different rooms here.

This place will always hold some of the scariest moments of my life, but in the middle of it all, if only out of necessity, it has become a type of home. Doctors that started out strangers have become family; we have celebrated everything from birthdays and holidays to the small successes on mom’s road to recovery.

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I have lived here.

I have cried here.

I have laughed here.

I have learned here.

I have grown here.

I have believed here.

I have doubted here.

I have loved here.

I have truly lived here.

A place that I thought might eat me up turned out to be a place that grew me up.

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Mom’s road to recovery is not completely finished yet and I can’t guarantee that we won’t be back here at some point, but today we walk out of here together. At the time they originally wanted to do mom’s surgery, the truth is, they didn’t believe she would survive it. Today we walk out of here together having both survived and the gratitude I feel in my heart at this fact is overwhelming. There is still some fighting ahead but we walk out of here with life on the visible horizon before us…

Days and nights I feared would never end, have ended.

Things I thought we wouldn’t survive, we have survived.

And life I feared we’d never get to live can now be lived.

That is  the evidence of God’s amazing grace in our lives and it’s the story I hope and pray my life will continue to tell.