It is hard to put into words all that I feel in my heart tonight, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try so here it goes…

In the early hours of this morning as we were at home preparing to make the trip here to the hospital for mom’s surgery, the fear and anxiety were tangible. And while it may seem contradictory, peace and faith were just as present. I saw it in my mom’s eyes, her eyes spoke what we all felt on different levels; “Is this really gonna be okay?”

Mom, Daniel, and I early this morning before heading to this hospital

 We got to the hospital, got her all checked in and then we waited. When they called her back to pre-op, I was relieved to find out that I could go and be with her until they wheeled her off to the Operating Room. The fear and nervousness were still evident, but they were now accompanied by a really strange exhilaration and excitement. The last 6 months had been leading up to this moment. There was both peace and anxiety as we said our “see you soons” and off she went.

 When we had first gone to pre-op, none of the family had arrived yet, but by the time I came out after they took mom to the OR I walked out into the arms of some of the greatest people in my world. And then we sat and we waited…

Entrance to the UCI Surgical Procedure Waiting Area where we spent most of the day.

I was much more at ease than I thought I would be overall, but there were those moments when fear and doubt would try to creep in. And with the love of those around me, and all the people that have walked with us in prayer, I was quickly reminded of all that God has already brought us through and peace would return.

 When we first checked in, they gave me this pager so that they could get a hold of me if they needed to, and to keep me updated throughout the day. To say I was attached to it would be an understatement. I was downstairs just about to head back up to the waiting area when my pager went off; panic and fear kicked in as I ran up the stairs and saw our doctor standing in the waiting area. I made my way to him as quickly as I could and then we went into the consult room. Now, this is the attending doctor on my mom’s oncology team and he is one of the best in his field, but he is on the serious side and so I had to really listen to his words carefully. I tried to catch my breath from running up the stairs and back to the waiting area as he began. His expression was not indicative of whether or not this was good news so I did my best to really focus in on what he was saying. And it slowly began to register. “We successfully removed the tumors and completed everything else we intended to do, there were no surprises, she didn’t lose much blood and when I left they were just finishing up the closing process. In no way can this surgery be curative, but with some more chemotherapy, if she continues to respond as well as she already has, it’s possible she will be feeling good for a long time. The surgery went as well as we could have hoped.”

 Shaking and overwhelmed and trying to process everything I had just been told, I got to go back out into the waiting room and tell everyone else the good news. My heart was relieved, overjoyed and anxious as I had to wait in anticipation for the moment they would let us see her in recovery. About an hour or so later, Daniel and I were able to go back and see her. I don’t think there are words to describe what I felt seeing her. Her eyes and smile lit up when she saw us and it’s safe to say she saw the same thing in ours. Since she hadn’t been awake for very long, she hadn’t heard the news yet. We explained to her that surgery was successful and that they got everything, in disbelief she said “Really?” We said “Yes, mom, you did it.” And immediately she said “Thank you Jesus.” That’s my mom.

 Now I’m sitting here as we prepare to settle in for the night and I can’t stop looking at her. I cannot possibly express how grateful I am tonight to be able to look over and see her, though in pain, still focused on the fight. Still here with us…because He is with us. A little bit ago mom and I were talking about how on this side of surgery we wonder what we were so afraid of, but the reality is that it was really big, scary and a huge risk. It was a big deal. And I told her how I wonder if it had to be big because only in a moment like that would choosing to trust Him be a true test of faith. Though, often times, still with doubt and worry, because of her strength and example we made the decision to trust and surrender to Him and His will. Tonight I sit here in awe of the remarkable woman I get to call mom and I cannot thank Him enough for His goodness and His grace.

 Friends and Family, I have been so blown away by your love and support; you all have been so amazing. We are humbled and indescribably grateful for all that have stood with us in prayer as we have walked this road. I pray that His light and love surround you tonight, and always. Please know that I pray for you and thank God for you.

 With unending love and gratitude,

Leslie Danielle